Saatchi exhibition features controversial pieces (no? really?)

The latest exhibition staged by collector Charles Saatchi features fighting cats, a woman made of mango and some newspapers with semen on them.


Half a deer for some reason

I think it's good that a young artist can think to themselves, "I've been struggling for years to produce works that really pull at my soul. That reveal hidden facets of the human condition that people until now have been hesitant, maybe even unable to approach. But no one gave a shit about that so instead I'll just pull myself off onto a newapaper and sell it to Charles Saatchi."

But is it art? Or is it a self perpetuating money machine, generating controversy for the sole purpose of keeping Saatchi in yachts? You decide (that it's the second one).

JM Barrie impressed with self as new Peter Pan novel published

Deceased novelist JM Barrie was surprised to learn he had written a sequel to his popular children's classic Peter Pan, despite having thrown himself in front of a train in 1937.

"Fuck me, I'm good.", commented Barrie when interviewed earlier today. "I mean fuck I thought I was the shit when they made that Johhny Depp film about me with fine-ass Kate Winslet in it. But this shit? Damn, I never shoulda never jumped in front of that train! I'm too damn good!"

The plot of the novel involves a return to Neverland years after the first story, when Wendy has grown up and had children of her own (and in no way resembles the plot of the film Hook, despite being the same)*.

"It's kinda bittersweet, you know.", continued Barrie. "I mean on the one hand I've just written this book but on the other hand I've been dead for 69 years. Dog, I don’t know how to feel."

Barrie was however pleased to find that he hadn't written that Alan Moore one about Wendy sucking Peter off.

*Actually, it does sound pretty good and half the profits go to Great Ormond Street. You should buy it. I'm just being a twat.

Unintelligent dog exploiters sue less unintelligent dog exploiters

A group of Hollywood dog owners are suing pet training centre Hollywood Paws for what they see as an unacceptably low rise in their pet's levels of superstardom since graduating.


A dog, earlier

To be fair here, I don't think it's the dog college's fault entirely so much as it's the continual lowering of the standards of entry to dog college. Used to be that only the smartest dogs went to college, nowadays any old mutt can get in. This leaves the top level dog jobs (getting shot in to space by Russians, Lassie etc) hugely oversubscribed whilst menial dog jobs (chasing things, barking) are left unfilled.

Added to this (and this is just my opinion) dogs of today are far more interested in college as an excuse to leave home and smell each other.

I mean, really. Wouldn't it just be easier for the government to extract money directly from the wages of morons and distribute it evenly around the insane enterprises (dog college, faberge egg purchasing, scientology, etc)?

Wouldn't that just save time?

Fish learn to breath air during underwater Katie Melua gig

Marine biologists have attributed a miraculous jump in the piscine evolutionary process to a recent successful attempt by Katie Melua to beat the world record for deepest underwater concert, as several species of fish learned to breath air and left the ocean. Several fish questioned stated complaints of “Dreary caterwauling…”, and, “Some bullshit about Bicycles in Taiwan or something…”



Professor Lars Gudjonnson of the Norwegian Oceanographic Institute commented; “This event is beyond anything else recorded in modern science. The sheer level of maudlin, middle of the road, yelping required to cause an entire genus to abandon its natural habitat is... terrifying.”

When questioned about the incident, Melua plinked about on her guitar looking doe-eyed.

Crimes are for inside, George

I'm sorry to have to report this folks but the squeaky clean hero of the masses Mr George Michael has been picked up by the police whilst driving and cautioned over a drug related offence. I know, I know, this news is going to be hard to come to terms with for those of us who use George as our moral compass, but let's just hope and pray this is a one off mistake on his part.



I mean seriously. Has it not occurred to this guy that he could do all the drugs and whatever else he wanted if he did it, hmm I dunno, AT HOME? How long would Al Capone have lasted if he'd done all his bootlegging in the middle of the road?

George has just gone out on tour. The show involves him fiddling his taxes on stage for two hours. Then, as an encore, he comes out and makes libelous comments about random names from the phonebook.

Crimes in the house please, George.

Screech, no

Let's play; Obvious parallels between the Screech sex tape and Showgirls!



1. Both featuring the bare extremities of ex Saved By The Bell stars
2. No one ever asking to see either
3. The stars thinking this would be the thing to save their careers
4. What actually happens being ridicule followed by obscurity

This pattern is extremely disturbing and, following it to it's logical conclusion, 'AC Slater: Goat Love' should be out any week now. And, as with both of the above, you know you shouldn't watch it... but you will.

Dude, if you're gonna lie

You may or may not have seen this story.

To summarize; a guy went though life claiming he'd written the swimwear based classic 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' when he was 19, to the extent that it appeared in his obituary after he died the other day. It was only after the guy who actually wrote it started receiving concerned phonecalls that the fraudster guy's friends and relatives found him out.

Now in the ten seconds after I read that article, I'd already thought of eighteen million better lies the guy could have told to make himself look good. Here's a sample few from about halfway down the list:

9,116,873) Say you were the creator of Hungry Hungry Hippos
9,116,874) Say you were the first person to run slowly and call it 'jogging'
9,116,875) Say Gene Roddenberry was originally going to cast Captain Kirk as an effeminate coward with no confidence around women and below average starship captaining skills until you stepped in and set him straight.
9,116,876) Say you didn't write Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

There's an obvious moral to this story: That song licks balls.

We should all fear Tom Hanks

In showbusiness news: Tom Hanks has been voted most trustworthy celebrity in the world by a recent poll.

Yeah I can see this. I mean if I was ever in a situation where I had to buy a used car from either Tom Hanks or, say, Brad Pitt there'd be absolutely no question about it. Hanks by a mile. Pitt's a great actor but for one his eyes are a little too close together, plus god knows what Angelina Jolie's made him do to her on the back seat.

Occurs to me though that if I was planning to lull the whole world in to a state of complacent trustingness in order to achieve some nefarious end, taking Hank's career path is definitely the way I'd do it. Win people over with your comedy stylings, then grab their hearts and minds with some well chosen dramatic turns? Genius. Makes the Reichstag fire look amatuerish (plus Hitler never got to kiss Shelley Long. The dumbass.)

Trust him if you must, but keep your eye on him...